EP30: The Hidden Shame Behind Success: Why High-Achieving Men Carry Regret - And How to Reclaim Your Power

Most men won’t say it out loud—but they feel it. That gnawing gap between external success and internal peace. In this powerful episode, the Uncommon Man team goes deep into the hidden shame many high-achieving men carry. From overworking to win approval to sabotaging intimacy at home, we explore how unconscious wounds shape our identities and keep us chasing the next “win” that never satisfies. Featuring real stories, deep insights, and a wake-up call to reclaim your power—not through performance, but through presence.

What We Cover in This Episode

1. The Masks High-Performing Men Wear - From Ferraris to fitness, we explore how success becomes a costume to cover inner disconnection—and how that disconnection silently governs your relationships, your leadership, and your inner world.
2. The Emotional Cost of Being “The Provider” - We unpack the modern male identity crisis: the conflation of provision with paycheck, and how many men confuse material wealth with emotional safety and presence.
3. The Real Roots: Father Wounds, Mother Wounds, and the Approval Trap - We explore how your childhood dynamics still play out in your business, your marriage, and your self-worth. Until you unhook from the unconscious need for permission, you’ll keep grinding toward a summit that doesn’t satisfy.
4. The Sovereign Man vs. The Common Man - What shifts when you stop outsourcing your power and approval—and start choosing from presence instead of pressure.

3 Powerful Takeaways

1. Most men aren’t just tired—they’re disconnected.- External success without internal alignment breeds silent suffering. Without knowing how to feel, we lose the ability to be felt—and presence becomes impossible.
2. Your family doesn’t need your grind—they need your groundedness. - Your wife doesn’t want a hero. She wants your heart. Your kids don’t need your hustle. They need your presence. When you stop performing and start feeling, intimacy and trust return.
3. Healing starts with identity, not productivity. - The turning point isn’t a new business plan—it’s a new definition of who you are. When you collapse the mask and build from truth, everything changes.

🛡️ Stay Connected to the Movement

The Uncommon Man Project isn’t just a podcast- it’s a call to rise.

A brotherhood of men who are done with surface-level success and ready to build lives of depth, power, and purpose.

This is where high-achieving fathers, husbands, and leaders come to reconnect with what matters most—and forge a new legacy.

🔹 The Nice Guy Recovery Scored Card- This is your reality check.

[Take the Quiz]

🔹 Events - Uncommon Retreat 2026 – A rite of passage for the modern man.

[Join the Event Here]

🔹 The Skool for Men - Surround yourself with brothers walking the same path.

[Join the Community]

Remember: You’re not alone.

And you’re not broken.

You’re just being called higher.

Be uncommon.

Live extraordinary.

Lead with sovereignty.

Transcript

00:00:00

 
Joshua Hamilton: Okay. Welcome to another Uncommon Man podcast, gents. Today we're going to go over the hidden shame behind success. Why high achieving men carry regret and how to reclaim your power. This is one that I'm really excited about because it's one of the things that hides in the shadows for myself included, but for many many men that we coach as well. This this idea that we have this level of external success going on our life yet internally we keep asking the question, what is missing? And often we go down the old cycle of like, well, if I just get more of this, it might be more money, it might be more women, it might be more of something, I will feel better.
 
 

00:01:28

 
Joshua Hamilton: Or for some people, it's deeper down the path and it's like, well, why the hell are we even here? And what's going to be the thing that that fixes this insatiable feeling that I just I don't feel complete? And, you know, what's going to be the missing piece for me? Today we're going to really dive into that and look at what do we do about the shame that is there? How do we actually live in a deep sense of authenticity, freedom, and with an overwhelming sense of peace in our life and connection? So, I'm really excited. We've got Mike with us today, Nick and Harry. for for you guys, you've coached hundreds of men now and what do you think is one of the main indicators that these guys carry like a boulder this level of shame in their life? Nick
Nick Vonpitt: It's funny. I I think it's it it it comes across in so many different areas, but what I what I've noticed is there's there's always this need to overcompensate in other areas of their lives.
 
 

00:02:51

 
Nick Vonpitt: And it's there's this dire focus on on business or it's on something external and everything is outward facing, but it's never reflective of what they're experiencing internally. And so they they might put on a show and it's that whole dance of wearing the mask because if you have to actually take the mask off, you're going to feel what's underneath there. And I'd even say, you know, leaning into maybe one of our previous conversations, the there's a lack of problem awareness around this that they are carrying the shame, but it's the thing that that governs so many of their actions and interactions with people in their relationships and how they're running their business. Um, and like you said, it is a boulder, but it's the one that they don't consciously face or recognize.
Joshua Hamilton: It's it's it's interesting you mentioned you mentioned masks and including myself in this is like there's this different levels of consciousness and awareness that we have around what a mask is and generally when we talk to men and this is very much a generalization is the mass are cars, fancy homes, cash, these sorts of things.
 
 

00:04:11

 
Joshua Hamilton: And they're quite I feel like they're becoming more and more obvious to the naked eye, to the to the men who are in society looking around going, "Okay, is that guy lacking a sizable penis because he drives that sort of car? Like, what's he hiding behind? What is it that he's kind of got?" But Harry, what are what are the some of the masks that I think we are unaware of that we wear to hide some levels of shame that we have
Harry Orr: I think it depends on the person and where they've drawn their worth and value from, right? Like if they've drawn their worth and value as a husband or as a father from that finances or the size of the business, then like that's where they divert to when things are kind of getting harder or they're maybe feeling that guilt or that shame or that lack of fulfillment. It's well, I I don't know what to do, but this has been the vehicle that's kind of provided at least some of that or I thought was the the vehicle to get me to that place of fulfillment, of happiness, of like I've made it in life.
 
 

00:05:25

 
Harry Orr: So, I'll double down on that. I know we've spoken before about like guys that have those maybe distant relationships at home or they don't feel connected in some space and so they'll go back into the business and bury themsel in work because that's what they know how to do. Well, if I make all this money, if I provide everything that I possibly can, then my wife will love me more. They won't have anything to complain about. Like, oh, I'll be more worthy. I'll be a better husband and father because that's that's what I do. I make the money and they've got everything. So surely that'll fix everything, right?
Joshua Hamilton: Yeah. It's kind of made me just right now like look into my own life. I'm kind of thinking what mask do I currently wear and where do I feel shame and you do hit becoming a father that certainly brought it up for me like if I can't provide and like god if anybody runs a business you know that it's it's a it's a roller coaster from year to year or month to month you have ups and downs and there's challenges all over the place and I look at the idea of providing financially just food for for the family and how much how much weight that carries.
 
 

00:06:39

 
Joshua Hamilton: And I guess you did right. That's where I that's where I hold my pride. So I guess the exact opposite of that for me is where I hold my shame as well. Like I'm proud of this. And if it's not going well, then there's a whole bunch of shame in that as well. I can't, you know, business isn't going great. I can't put food on the table for the family or I'm stressed out and therefore, you know, the relationships crumbling at home. And I'm just thinking where where I where I go and then hide away from that shame. And man, I just it's funny cuz yeah, there's fitness. I used to do that. You know, the long bike rides, the long runs, just go into the mountains and just bury yourself for anywhere from three to six hours. Like this is good. And then that's got its that's got its equal reward. It's like, "Oh, look at me. I'm this fit guy." So, you know, then you've got more pride and more shame when that falls off the list.
 
 

00:07:35

 
Joshua Hamilton: It's this it's this continuous cycle of like pride and shame. Pride and shame when something you're proud of is no longer either serving you or, you know, you're not as fit as you used to be. It's really um and it's an interesting spiral actually just looking at it now.
Harry Orr: It's kind of funny how we we use the term provider, but what we really mean is the paycheck for the family, right?
Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.
Harry Orr: Like when you when we say I want to be the provider, we like in my mind at least anyway that's always tied to finances. It's never tied to provider of stability other than financially. Provider of safety, provider of like all the other things that a father and a masculine presence in the family does.
Joshua Hamilton: Heat.
Harry Orr: But if we say my role or I just want to be the paycheck for the family doesn't carry so much pride anymore. I actually feel like a little bit inadequate if that's all I'm doing.
Joshua Hamilton: That's that's really interesting. Um, and Nick mentioned it.
 
 

00:08:41

 
Joshua Hamilton: You mentioned guilt before, Nick. And I literally had a conversation with Flur yesterday. I think Sunday it would have been gone for a bike ride on Saturday and it had taken way longer than I expected. I' mocked around mechanical issues. Excuses, excuses, excuses. But what I then did because of that guilt, I then went to Flur. I said, "Hey, look, what I was really asking for was for permission to be able to just go on a bike ride and not have any limited time of when I had to be back." That's the kind of answer that I was looking for. But what I what I ended up receiving was really interesting. I was like, "Flur, is there is there anything that you would really want to achieve on the weekend and just have no time limit to it and I'll just look after Okie and go do these things and whatever it was?" And she goes, "There's nothing I really want to do apart from spend time with you." And I was like, "f***, man. All
 
 

00:09:36

 
Joshua Hamilton: right. Okay." And it just made me realize, you know, the thing that I was hiding behind it was this idea of like, oh, cool. How do I get more free time and just have this limitless to my life and not have to worry about flur? And then this amount of guilt that happens when I'm said I was going to be three hours and end up being five hours and just realizing that where I was lacking the effort or where I was lacking the boundaries and just for the one thing that she wanted, she doesn't want six hours out of me looking after Okie. She was just like, "Man, just spending time with you'd be awesome." I was like, "Oh, that kind of shattered me pretty hard." And it made me realize, you know, it piled on the piled on the shame immediately about how how I f***** up the bike ride on Saturday and I was 5 hours instead of three, you know, when all she wanted was that time. And it's it also reflected to me though because I know she doesn't want six hours of me sitting there holding her hand like staring into her eyes.
 
 

00:10:35

 
Joshua Hamilton: What she actually just wants is quality. She just really wants like quality. Like I could drop 20 minutes of doses each day throughout the week and she'd be like, "Yeah, f***. I'm having heaps of time with Josh." And so what it reflected to me was you're f****** around, bro. Like it's pretty obvious that you're not being as present as you thought you would. Another place that I have pride around. you know, I'm the present guy, Josh, with my partner and blah blah blah. And I was like, far out. It was a real it was a real sharp slap to the face and realization sitting on the couch on Sunday asking that question. But, um, MC, I'm really interested in where you've seen this show up for guys as well and any any personal story or experience that may have may help our guys understand it a bit more.
Michael Cooper: Yeah, thanks man. I I've been sitting here having flashes of my former life and just before me as we have this conversation because this was me and I I love the fact that everything that has been shared already was things that were percolating up for me.
 
 

00:11:47

 
Michael Cooper: Nick spoke about uh feelings but most men are too afraid to feel. So they go and numb out. They go and work harder. They disassociate. They distract. they double down on the things that were working for them because they're avoiding feeling. Um, and I understand that from an energetic standpoint because men, we are leftrain thinkers. We're logical, we're strategical, we're directional, and women are rightrain thinkers, which is the emotional. So, they like to feel, they like to express. And we were never taught that. And the one thing and then Josh you went on to share around your experience just then with the ride and our perception of what we think she wants is vastly and wildly different from what she really wants. Right? And the one thing she wants is to feel you. But if you don't know how to feel for yourself, how can she feel you? She wants to feel your deep grounded presence. And so a lot of the guilt and shame that mean these men have that we were talking about I think Nick shared with me earlier during the week I think he said it was 60% of high was a stat that he shared Nick correct me if I'm wrong it was 60% of high earning men they report feeling emotionally numb or disconnected in those quiet moments and women deeply want from us to know that we can access
 
 

00:13:11

 
Michael Cooper: our feelings. She doesn't want to be a blubbering mess every three minutes and crying into tissue boxes. I mean, that's that's also cool. But what she wants to know is that you can access those feelings. And she wants to know that you can then express those feelings and then self soothe or self resource those feelings so it's no longer a problem for her. And so that's a huge number like 60% of high earning men. That is a huge amount of men who are suffering in silence because they never got taught to be connected to their bodies. They never got connected to their bodies to feel and then access those feelings and allow them to transmute themselves. And so all of these men are suffering in silence and then they go home and they become numb and they become dead and then the relationship becomes stagnant because they're no longer polarizing. They're no longer attractive to their partner because they've shut down and internalized everything. and all she's really dying for is your presence, you know, and we create these stories in our head.
 
 

00:14:13

 
Michael Cooper: So, I remember I would guilt myself by not being at every, you know, I tried my best to be at every award event for the kids. You know, it was 2:00 in the afternoon. I had a million appointments back to back and I'm like, I've got to get to this thing. So, I'd guilt myself for not being there and then I'd get there and I'd guilt myself for being there because I should be at work and I should be doing more and I should be working and I was in a constant guiltfest. It didn't matter what I did. If I was with the kids, I was guilting myself for not working. If I was working, I was guilting myself for not being with the kids. If I was working and with the kids, I was guilting myself for not being present to either of them. Was a constant slaying of myself. And so, but the problem was I was unaware. And like you mentioned, like we we're going through these things, we know it doesn't feel right, but we just the same level of thinking that got us into the problem won't get us out of the problem.
 
 

00:15:13

 
Michael Cooper: And so, as much as I knew things weren't working, and I could I can still remember sitting on the lounge at certain points in my three-piece suit, completely shattered internally, but on the outside it looked like amazing. like, "God, I want that life." And it was the most dark and horrible times of my life, but I couldn't figure out what it was. And I couldn't get myself out of it. That was the point because the same level of thinking, I kept going. Well, I got to work harder then. No, it means I need to work more hours. No, I need to pile on more this. No, I need to get more staff. Need to scale a business. All of these things were taking me further and further away from what I truly and what my heart truly knew was possible, what I truly desired, where a life was full of more ease, more grace, more joy, more pleasure. And that came from me being more connected to my body.
 
 

00:16:01

 
Michael Cooper: It came from me being slower so I could actually speed up. But whileever I kept running the lens, what I knew to be true, which was my model of the world that had got me. So, and why would I let go of that? that created all the success that I had. So, I'm not going to abandon that. I didn't think you could have success without hustle and grind. I didn't think that you could have success without being ethical. You had to be, you know, had to have a win-lose scenario. Why? How? There's no way. And so, my model and my paradigm had to shift. I had to have paradigm shifting, which means I had to collapse the identity of what I knew life to be. And that is the scariest place for a human to be. When you collapse your identity, you no longer fit in. Like, what is this world? I had this model and this protective mechanism to keep me safe and that's now gone.
 
 

00:16:51

 
Michael Cooper: I've got this blank canvas. Who am I even at this point? And a lot of these guys, I would, you know, we talking about these 60%. I'd say 100% of those guys have no idea who they are. If you ask them, who are you? And they'll give you all the labels under the sun. I'm a father. I'm a son. I'm a business owner. I'm a finance guy. I'm a property guy. I do this, this, and this. Yeah, that's there. They're amazing labels. Congratulations. That's that's holding you up in this world. Who are you? They got no idea who they are. They don't know what their values are. They don't know what they stand for. Which means if you don't know what your values are, or if you don't know what you stand for, you'll fall for everything. And they do. They fall for every get-richque ri get rich quick scheme.
 
 

00:17:34

 
Michael Cooper: They fall for every charlatan. They believe all the snake oil salesmans because they just one more thing, one more thing is going to make it right. It's going to set me free only to bury you deeper or lose all your money. And so the whole part of this, and I think Nick really nailed it in the first five minutes, was men not knowing or understanding how to feel and it being okay to feel. How can we expect to hold the emotions of our beloved, our female partners, if we can't hold our own? It's in congruent. It's untrustworthy. You got no bandwidth and you have no spectrum. And at the end of the day, she doesn't trust you, which is why you got the relationship that you've got because you are untrustworthy. You don't even know who you are. Until you know who you are, I can't trust that person. If you can't answer who you are without a label, then I I'm going to have a really tough time trusting you.
 
 

00:18:36

 
Michael Cooper: And so these men that are sitting there and they've got all this external validation, which is where it was coming from. They were trying to please the father, the archetypal father. You know, if I got a million, no, that clearly wasn't enough because nothing changed when the when the numbers rolled over. Nothing changed. Ah, so it must be 2 mil. I got it wrong. Number was wrong. Hit the 2 mil. No, it must be 3 mil. that number keeps climbing and you get angrier the higher it goes because it's not ever working. And so yeah, these these guys on the outside have done really well. And I think it was one of our clients that um shared this story. You he realized he got to the top of the mountain if he was there on his own and it was really vying up there. He said, "What's the point of climbing the summit if you're there on your own at the end and there's no one around you to celebrate it?"
 
 

00:19:22

 
Michael Cooper: It's about taking people on the journey with you. And to do that, you need to be connected. You need to be grounded. And you need to be in your body. That's what creates safety for your wife or partner or lover. That what what creates the greatest level of safety for your children, a grounded masculine present father. So many kids grow up in our world today without a present father. Like the father might be in the house, f****** far from present.
Joshua Hamilton: you
Nick Vonpitt: Can I
Joshua Hamilton: uh hit on a key word there, the anger piece. And I'm I've been trying to figure this out. It's like deep down they know they're doing it wrong. Can't figure
Nick Vonpitt: heat
Joshua Hamilton: out what it is, but the wife is the one that reflects it to them that something is not right and they read that as they're not right. Or
Michael Cooper: Yes.
Joshua Hamilton: there's this deep sense of regret and they don't know why. And then that just stems up and builds up this volcanic level of anger that seems to just go pop.
 
 

00:20:40

 
Joshua Hamilton: And it's this every time and they they can't put their finger on it, but they know deep down that something's not right. But it's like, stop f****** telling me that something's not right. I already know, but you're just reminding me and I you're going to be the one that feels my wrath because you
Nick Vonpitt: Yeah.
Joshua Hamilton: are the reminder. And
Michael Cooper: Sorry.
Joshua Hamilton: I I think that is for the guys who can't who are maybe experiencing that anger, those outbursts, the inability to kind of regulate the emotions. That is one of the most key indicators of something that's going on around what you said perfectly. The the map or the mindset that you've used to get in the situation isn't going to get you out of it and you need to change. You need to outsource. You need to find something to bring an understanding back into what's going on for you because you will continually be shown that you are getting this wrong. And
Nick Vonpitt: Can
Joshua Hamilton: it's
Nick Vonpitt: I speak
 
 

00:21:42

 
Joshua Hamilton: just
Nick Vonpitt: in into
Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.
Nick Vonpitt: that point
Joshua Hamilton: Speak
Nick Vonpitt: you've got
Joshua Hamilton: please.
Nick Vonpitt: there? Um what essentially what what men are actually looking for is they are craving affection and approval and that's what is being reflected from their wife, from their partner, from their kids. That's what they're looking for. and the the masks. If you were to look at your emotions and place them as masks, you're typically looking at the the anger deflection, um not wanting to take responsibility, you're continuously anticipating some form of rejection. So, just as you were saying, Michael, that dance between being present with your kids or with the wife or with, you know, the business, like you're waiting for something to break. You're always on edge. Um, and you because of your frame and because you feel like you're experiencing the cold shoulder because you're just looking for that affection and that warmth. Everyone feels negative and cold and you feel like you're not getting it from anyone because you actually don't know how to receive that because that's what you're asking for.
 
 

00:22:49

 
Michael Cooper: It was something I taught in a um I I never forget the look on this woman's face. I was in a couple's retreat. Uh, it was a three-day immersion and this lady's jaw shattered when I said, you know, we were talking about the differences between men and women and how men women receive love and what they truly desire from a relationship and what their true essence was. And then I went on to explain what a man's was. And I said that, you know, you think your man wants love, but he actually wants respect. And he will choose respect over love every single day of the week. And I watched this woman's jaw just fall to the ground because in that very moment she realized how much she disrespects him by the way that she communicates unconsciously and didn't mean to and the way that she would you know the phrasing would have been nagging but um that was what Josh was articulating is how it's always being reflected back comes across as nagging to the uninitiated or the uneducated but in reality it's a gift.
 
 

00:23:49

 
Michael Cooper: you know, you get out to actually see behind the veil. And the feminine does it in a way that it's actually triggering, right? So that you will actually go and look at this thing. And so we only go and look at the things that hurt us. If it was joyful, we wouldn't go look at it. We just be accepting of it. So when your beloved communicates to you, it will always be in a triggering way so that you can look at it and heal it and grow from it.
Harry Orr: Well, I think like I was having a similar not to the experience, but like that level of kind of thinking what you just kind of brought up, Mike, is like when guys aren't able to to feel or even acknowledge or see what their partner is feeling, we're very logical. We take what our partner says on on face value. If they're nagging about something, we will think that they're they're communicating about the thing that they're talking about, right?
Michael Cooper: Yep.
Harry Orr: Which makes logical in quotation marks for everyone listening sense.
 
 

00:24:45

 
Harry Orr: But when you have that understanding of feeling like ah she doesn't really care that much that the room had the garage hasn't been cleaned or that I haven't done this thing. It's the underlying feeling of you said you were going to do this thing so I can't trust you. It's I feel like I'm carrying the weight of this family and you're not doing anything. It's not that you took 5 hours on a bike ride instead of three. It's what I'm feeling but we take on face value which is where that kind of discrepancy is like playing a completely different game.
Michael Cooper: Yeah. So good. Yeah. I love that you raised that. That's perfect.
Joshua Hamilton: I find it interesting. You spoke about the father wound which I find we talk about relationships in terms of with the with the female partner and I look at that permission piece. It's like a It's like throwing what I imagine petrol on a on a fire, right? You've got this father wound that you're trying to reach some level of success.
 
 

00:25:45

 
Joshua Hamilton: So, dad says, "Hey, you've done well. Here's your permission to have a holiday or here's your permission to be a top bloke or here's" whatever it is, the pat on the back from the dad. And at the same time, you're looking for that validation from your partner as well. What's the connection between the two?
Michael Cooper: So the father wound is I'm not you know everything stems back to basically two core words. I'm unlovable
Joshua Hamilton: Mhm.
Michael Cooper: or I'm not good enough. More often than not from the father we get the I'm not good enough. you
Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.
Michael Cooper: know, I did this task and dad sent me back 45 times to do it because I wasn't good enough. I got proof in that point. See, I'm not good enough. And so, we're always trying to do these things. If I grow my business to this size, then dad will see me and he'll finally see that I'm I'm a good boy. Um there's a mother wound that plays out as well and and that comes in from a different way.
 
 

00:26:46

 
Michael Cooper: Every dynamic is different. Every mother, father, son, relation, daughter relationship will be different. But eventually that's also going to come back from your mother gave you a set of traits that embedded into you that you don't like, you hate her for it. And there's some traits that you really wished you got from her, which was maybe nurturing and caring and loving. And that will create your model of the world. And so when you understand that the traits that your father gave you that you hate him for and the traits that your mother gave you that she you hate her for. Maybe she was aggressive, maybe she was nagging, maybe she was um um you know an authoritarian or something like that. Um maybe she never maybe she never kept you safe. So I had a father wound which was you know the archetypal father would protect a provider. He would keep you safe. But when your father becomes the oppressor, then for me it rever reverted to right, you're not the safe space.
 
 

00:27:43

 
Michael Cooper: My mom needs to kick in. And when my mom didn't stop my dad from hitting me, then I was like, well, you're untrustworthy. You never stood up for me. You never stopped it. There's my father. There's my mother. And so what you raised the question is why? How do the two play out? The parent who hurt you the most, who you perceive hurt you the most. The reality is they probably didn't even hurt you. The real reality is it wasn't a thing for them. The reality is they're oblivious to it. This was your perception of your perceived events with your, you know, ill-formed little self- mind at the time, you know, in your young years. That's how you perceive the event. And so the person who you perceive hurt you the most will be the romantic partner that you attract in. So if your dad was abusive and aggressive and all of the things, you will find a female partner if that's your, you know, if that's the way you swing, who is aggressive, abusive, and exactly like that.
 
 

00:28:40

 
Michael Cooper: And one day you'll even say, "f*** you, just like my father, not even realizing what you're saying, right?" Because she has come into the space for you to transmute and heal that wound, the father wound in this case. But every man, you know, and when we grew up in a post-war society, I think we've chatted about this previously with
Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.
Michael Cooper: the postwar society. Yeah. And for the listeners that may not have, it's a couple of podcasts ago, quite a few, but we talk about the postwar postwar era where the fathers went off to war. We lost them to the war. They didn't come home. They were absent fathers either permanently or the period of the war at least. And men were thrust into being brought up and raised by women. you know, they went to the school and it was all women teachers now and there the men that were left were not really men. They were the incipid men who said no to war. So they weren't good role models.
 
 

00:29:34

 
Michael Cooper: But when I went to the bathroom, I had to ask my teacher to go to the bathroom. And when I wanted to do something, I had to ask mom, mom, can I do this? So we became little mommy's boys. And our mother lost her father or sorry, our mother lost her husband. So she really doesn't want to lose her boy now. And so she holds on to the boy longer than necessary and never uncaves and never initiates him into mature masculinity. Which is why so many men around that window between 40 and 60 in this today's present time um are big boys running around in adult bodies and still sucking on the tit of the mother, you know, because they never unc. They're still mommy's boys. They're still going to for her advice, still asking for her approval. And so what men will do in their relationships is mimic that relationship and they will do things for approval. If my mom, you know, if I have a mother wound, um I will do everything in my power to provide for her and take care of her and give her everything you need and that way she will let me touch her.
 
 

00:30:35

 
Michael Cooper: That's the back end of the mother wound. So a lot of uninitiated men will see women as I'll do this as long as you let me touch you because you're the forbidden fruit. Right? We shouldn't touch our mother. It's a bit bit of a no, right? You don't want to be having sexual desires, but every boy has a sexual desire unconsciously to the mother. There's an infatuation, you know, and she at one point was a life source and a food source for us and she kept us alive and she was the one who nurtured us and cared for us. So we that's life and death for us. And so we're always trying to please the mother, the almighty mother, you know, in that sense, whether that be the archetypal or our real one. And so when you uncave from that and you clear from the mother and the father ceremoniously, you actually step into the material masculine where you don't need to you you you can provide and you can care for, but you don't do it in needing for exchange.
 
 

00:31:32

 
Michael Cooper: I don't need your loving. I'm doing this because it's my right. It's my role. It's how I'm choosing to provide direction for this relationship. And that way it never comes back to you because there's no resentment to it because I'm choosing to do this. I'm going to do it with or without you. I don't need anything from you. It's an empowered position. But if I'm not doing it from an empowered position, I'm doing it from the wounded space. Eventually, it's going to I I put food on the table. I put uh the roof over your head. You watch it'll come out an argument one day. It was like, of all the things I do for you, I put a roof over your head. I put your kids through school. I do this and I do this and I do this. And that's where I've done a prideful act. It built into that was the resentment. It just had to come
 
 

00:32:13

 
Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.
Michael Cooper: up. And so when I can act from that healthy space as I've healed my father wound and I've healed my mother wound because they're both there, then I can relate at a more more mature level, a more secure level without that sort of prideful act or resentment creeping in.
Joshua Hamilton: It's that leads perfectly into, you know, we talk about the mature masculine, but I I love that word, the sovereign man making
Michael Cooper: Yeah.
Joshua Hamilton: very conscious choices, not from a place of shame, guilt, or trying to prove, but I'm a sovereign man. I don't have any of these drivers that drive the common man forward. I am sovereign. I make my own choice. This is where we are going. This is what I choose. And here we are. And that is, oh f***, it gives me the goosebumps thinking it. It's one of the sexiest, most powerful things I think we get to experience as men. When you I think one of the most beautiful things is when I realize, s***, I wish I just done that thing.
 
 

00:33:17

 
Joshua Hamilton: I was just waiting for that guy's permission. And now that he said it or done it, I can go do it. I'm like, f***. And I love those times when I look back and I'm like, I just went and did that. That's awesome. s***, that feels good. I just made that choice on my own. And I went and did it because just that was it. Didn't need a reason. Didn't need somebody else's guilt or shame or idolization or the pat on the back. It was pure sovereign choice. And that that's an experience. That's something beautiful and powerful. And that's what I think that's why I love probably one of the main things I love what we do the most is watching how the men that come into our world and then come in through our programs and leave and develop that sovereignty and watching how that bonds them with their partners and sees them sees them connect in a way that you know they they everybody always talks about Oh, you know the fire and the passion that was at the start of the relationship.
 
 

00:34:21

 
Joshua Hamilton: And I'm like, and that looks like in kindergarten compared to the level of connection and power and passion that you have when you have a sovereign man. And the same goes for the space in the business. You watch how people just suddenly understand them. Suddenly they don't have to overcommunicate. Suddenly people are doing what they say they do. Suddenly the business is growing. Like all of these things just extend so beautifully, so naturally, and with so much ease and grace from a sovereign man. And yeah, watching that and being part of that transformation for men has been one of the greatest things to experience. I feel I think Nick and Harry, would you would you guys agree from your experience of coaching men?
Harry Orr: Without a doubt.
Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.
Nick Vonpitt: 100%.
Joshua Hamilton: Hey, thank you so much for your time today, guys. Is there anything or any tool that you're aware of that you'd like to share with these guys that you've either shared with clients before or has been really helpful in in your own world?
 
 

00:35:29

 
Harry Orr: a book that comes to mind with some of the stuff Mike was talking about, especially the that framing around postwar growing up being reliant on like the mother and things like that, which we, you know, recommend
Joshua Hamilton: Nice.
Harry Orr: to a lot of our guys to read, is the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Um, I found that invaluable in highlighting my subconscious motives in everything that I did. I couldn't figure out why I was doing all these things to, you know, in before I was married to try and get women and to do these things, why I was being so nice, but I was angry when things didn't come back to me. That was a game changer for my mentality and that growth for me.
Joshua Hamilton: Cheers, Harry. Thanks for that.
Nick Vonpitt: We we also have a scorecard that's really helpful as well for individuals that aren't 100% sure on what's coming up for them because sometimes just naming the emotion is the hardest thing. It's just this overwhelming sense of feeling. And we'll we'll leave the link below
 
 

00:36:31

 
Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.
Nick Vonpitt: after. Yeah,
Joshua Hamilton: Yeah. If you could throw that in the show notes for the guys, it' be awesome. It's it's a really
Nick Vonpitt: sure.
Joshua Hamilton: good indication of that closeness to either breakdown or breakthrough. It's a it's a really invaluable tool actually. Mike, have you got anything you'd like to
Michael Cooper: Yeah,
Joshua Hamilton: leave
Michael Cooper: it's something
Joshua Hamilton: the guys with?
Michael Cooper: that um I was just thinking about it. One of the things I do is every three months I sit there and realign my values or not realign them but just become aware of where is my current set of values based on my my proximity, my awareness, my energy and my space. Um and am I on track with my mission? Am I am I on track with my purpose? So if you don't know those three things, like if you can't clearly articulate what your top five values are, if like that, if you can't articulate what your mission and purpose is, odds on you're a boat without a rudder and you're just going to be bombing around in the ocean, that will lead to the greatest level of disappointment, the greatest level of shame because you're sitting there going, I'm not fulfilling my potential.
 
 

00:37:27

 
Michael Cooper: I know that, but I don't even know what direction I'm headed. And so, yeah, I would probably reach out to any of the coaches here and get them to run you through the purpose process that we've actually designed and created for you to get a very clear and succinct understanding of what your pain points were from the past, how that's showing up in your present moment, and then you alchemize that into a gold nugget of what your future projections will be and what your life on purpose will look like. And you should be able to walk into the elevator if God was standing there and pitch him within the first three seconds on This is my elevator pitch to God. I've just got this one opportunity. We're going two floors. I got 11 seconds to let him know that I'm here to motivate, teach, and inspire men to fill their fulfill their lives and live life to their fullest potential. Like if but that's come from I know exactly where it was birthed from the stages in my life, the pains I went through, the lessons I had to transmute to get that lesson.
 
 

00:38:21

 
Michael Cooper: And if I'm choosing something, always rule in favor of that. Your depression will go out the window. And so yeah, I would reach out to any if you're listening to the podcast, reach out to any of the advice here and say, "Hey, what is this? How do I find my purpose? How do I get very clear on that so that I can feel more aligned, feel more valuable, and make decisions and rule in favor of that?" I mean, that's where I'd be starting.
Joshua Hamilton: Appreciate that MC. That's that's a powerful exercise. That is a very powerful exercise. Thank you very much, man, for your time. We'll put those resources for you in the show notes as well. We'll put a link so you can book in to get through that purpose uh purpose process as well. Thank you very much for listening. Please share this far and wide. We are excited about our movement of helping men experience what it is like to transform from the common man into a sovereign individual and really experience some of the things that we've talked about here today. Big love to you guys. very, very much.