The Uncommon Man Project

EP23: When a Man Becomes His Own Worst Enemy

• Episode 23

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In this episode of The Uncommon Man Project, we’re tackling a silent yet pervasive struggle—what happens when a man becomes his own worst enemy. It starts with ambition but spirals into burnout, disconnection, and an endless chase for validation. Many men unknowingly tie their self-worth to their work, suppress their emotions, and wear a mask of strength that isolates them from their true selves.
But here’s the truth: your worth has never been tied to your work. The breakthrough you’re searching for lies in vulnerability, connection, and the courage to rewrite your story.

We’ll explore how to break free from the destructive patterns holding you back, so you can live authentically and start building relationships and success from a place of alignment—not pressure.

5 Potent Questions to Reflect On

  • Do you feel like your self-worth is tied to your achievements?
  • When was the last time you allowed yourself to be vulnerable with someone you trust?
  • Are you chasing success, or are you building a life that truly feels fulfilling?
  • How often do you acknowledge and process emotions like fear, doubt, or regret?
  • What would life look like if you believed that who you are right now is already enough?

By the end of this episode, you’ll gain clarity on the silent struggles that may be holding you back and practical insights to help you shift from burnout to alignment. You’ll discover how to break free from the cycle of overachievement, reconnect with your emotions, and redefine what success truly means for you.
This episode isn’t just about listening—it’s about recognizing the power of vulnerability and taking the first steps to reclaim your worth, your relationships, and your life.

What was your biggest takeaway?

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welcome to another Common Man podcast where we dive in to the things holding men back from experiencing the life they really want having the energy they want and the relationships that they know they can have today I'm chatting with Nick we're gonna be diving into when a man becomes his own worst enemy and breaking the cycle and reclaiming that power and by the end of this episode you're really gain some clarity on the silent struggles that that maybe holding you back that um the things that hold many of us back and some practical insights and how to shift from that burnout from that feeling like you are powerless to a life that is full of inspiration and alignment you really discover the things that are really gonna break break you free of that cycle so if you love this episode guys and it's helpful for you please share it really looking forward to diving with Nick on this one mate it's good to see you I feel like I feel like we haven't done this for a little while so I'm excited to see that face of yours how you been getting on good man good I'm excited to explore this idea um a lot of guys have um been struggling with this lately and they've come to a point with able to vocalise this a little bit more and they seeing I think they're starting to see that those self sabotaging patterns as well as they arise in the space so um this would be in line with with lot of those conversations and I'd even say some of the work that we may be done on ourselves over the couple of years of of being involved in the space um I'm excited I got an interesting one to ask you because this is something I've kind of been playing with lately and it was a reading that I was doing of Rudolph Steiner if anybody knows Rudolph Steiner Steiner schools like bit of a thinking philosophy action taking kind of guy and we talk about you know we talk about are your is your self worth attached to your achievements and I think a really good way that I have experience myself but also help other guys experience to know if this is true or not it's their idea that they aim for something achieve it and then feel that feel almost empty or or not really excited about what they've just spent their whole life kind of working towards it might have been six months might have been 10 years and they're like yes I've made it but there's no real like fuck yeah that's incredible it's like oh man I thought I thought I'd be better I thought I'd be all better I thought I thought there'd be something way different now what what have you seen like in your guys have you seen something similar the conversation that's come up more often than not is the way these guys describe it is there's like this movable goalpost yeah and even when you reach it the goalpost moves again even when you reach it the goal post moves again it's like the next mission the next thing and it's they they future pacing themselves all the time and they never present enough to actually just take in what they've accomplished so they're not even there to take in what they've just done even though they might have dedicated the last decade to achieving those K B I's or building that that business or ticking that box whatever the case may be they not even there to receive what they've done they already looking at the next thing instead of being like oh I'm here I'm now I'm present I'm I'm taking this all in no I'm I'm looking up and I'm looking in the distance again and saying well what's next have have you noticed some common traits like the guys that have set up goals achieve them felt empty have you noticed any common traits in the energy that they came from setting up that goal like their thought patterns why they were going after that goal what like what was driving them I seen this to be very similar to both of us um but I find that it's this is the only mechanism that they know of where they can start establishing a sense of worth and value with inside of themselves and it's it has to be tangible and you have to be able to see it and you must be able to touch it and other people must be able to see it so they can validate you and how good you are and how successful you are because that's where they have associated meaning from that that's where they that's where they receive that from other people seeing them that's how they have found a mechanic to be seen by the public eye and to be received by others yeah so I find that the driver's relentless because that's one of like our like innate needs is to be seen so normally I find that this comes from you know when you've been a kid and maybe you didn't have parents that paid you enough attention they never really looked at you you were just there you were you were a fly on the wall they just carried on with their life and yes you got fed or what but you were never nurtured no one like sat down and connected with you no one gave you that time of day those build up the frameworks are like oh so how do I get single some people become very rebellious and they do X y and Z and it's like that's how I'm garnering that attention other people they find ways to pour themselves in become hyperfixated and successful and hype like really highly driven and their success then creates the momentum in terms of attention and awareness and validation for who and what they are I think that's like you're nailing the point of when a man becomes his own worst enemy and that's that I'm doing this for XYZ so I can then be worthy oh that's the real basic one like I'll be seen then I'll be worthy I'll get this then I'll be worthy and I find that energy right from the get go it's like right I'm gonna build the 2 million dollar business I'm like cool why why is it important to you and you break it all the way down like why is that important to you then the next thing why is that important to you why now and you really get to the core of the things at the end and it's it always once you get to the real core of like what somebody really wants that's cool and exciting a lot of time you get there to the to the sufficial level and it's all about achieving something in order to be worthy of some sort of thing um I had this piece relating to the the the Rudolf Steiner aspect and to share a bit of a story had a few I've had a variety of clients that have been like yeah I wanna make the I wanna make the money and I'm like but why and I just wanna make the money and they want this aspect of money to have a certain thing and I'm you know I think both of us can say we're a big fan of money cause the changes it can change a lot of things in your life but it's not the be all end all it's just a very very helpful tool in our current world where we value it but it what is really cool to see and it happened it's happened the good way it's happened we'll say the bad way but when somebody lets out $1 million somebody wants to achieve that they get there and they're like oh wasn't a million dollars but they're like okay cool if it's not the million dollars what is it and that's the kind of good outcome it's like right it wasn't the money that I'm after funnily enough they reached that if they managed to hit that goal and then they suddenly go oh it's not the money I'm after they figured out about the money and then they just 10 x it was like getting the first little bit was really really hard and then they find out oh it's not the money I don't care about the money I'm gonna go do this and suddenly money just expands in their life but it's really sad and challenging to see the other guys that hit the million dollars or whatever their um kind of money target was and then just feel bottomless and empty and have no idea where to go that is like is a really tough thing to see people crumble and think that was it is nothing else I'm like such a such a tough thing to see but it took took me into this book can't actually remember the name attaining higher levels of something on rid of starter but it goes through this whole process basically cleansing the mind and going through a practice and coming to a place where you no longer are pushed by anything to take actions you no longer pulled by anything to take actions you just inspired and you have the free will to choose whether you take action on the inspiration that comes from you and then you go forward and it's like there's been so much in my life that has been like that and I've always looked for mechanism to to do it and I think over the last couple years I found that but that's the real interesting park into that place where you it's just inspiration now and you're living from that place that changes the energy of the results it changes the results when you get there but the coolest thing is on the way is epic on the way is a blast if you had experience of that in your own life and kind of seen different examples from clients as well I think with your highlighting there as well as just the the the changing drivers hmm because people aren't driven then by these by these wounds or these limiting beliefs they driven by this innate potential that resides within them so it's the creativity and the inspiration that arises in their system that becomes so passion becomes a driver curiosity becomes a driver self expression becomes a driver so it's not I have to do this to achieve this so I can meet and meet cause that's normally how we frame it with just how we've all been conditioned in general like I need to make money to do X y and Z or I need to do this to be validated and feel X y and Z so you're getting the feeling that you're searching for through this this mechanism on from the get go you're now not searching for this feeling of satisfaction or a a a deep seated knowing that you're you know you're full and you're nourished and you're worthy you're not even looking for that feeling because the way that you started off the process is completely different to maybe how you would have traditionally done that so when you get to the end the journey is being great the outcome doesn't matter as much because you've been feeling that way and you've nourished yourself along the way and tend to one I can tell you now you're probably not burnt out you've you've probably made the process a lot easier and enjoyable on your system and your I can guarantee that you're not sitting at the end of it and feeling empty that's the difference that's that's the biggest difference I've I've been on both sides of the coin so I I can completely understand from both perspectives um and the the latter this example is much easier versus pushing and pushing and sacrificing and you have to give up this and do this it's working with your system and with your energy that um is a really good example for the guys who might be questioning if they have this kind of unknowing thing it's that title that we put on ourselves I'm a hard worker I'm a grinder you know all of these things that were like yeah that's that's my identity how much takes a while to give those things up cause identities are sometimes hard to throw away but man they are just not giving you what you need they're not giving you what you want they're not giving you what you need and I think that you use that innate drive or that innate passion word and it made me think of like a musician or an artist if we could bring that kind of version into how we live our daily lives I think maybe how a lot better off yes yeah it it it crossed my mind I really want some insight from you on this sensation I was walking ugly trying to get him sleep out the lawn round around the circles and the lawn's not exactly flat so there's plenty of jiggles to make him go to sleep and there's these two there's these two titles identities that I hold I still hold a lot of judgement about and it's one is a business coach and the other one is a life coach and I looked at these two things and I went what what is a what is a business coach what is a business what is the purpose of the business so okay cool cause we coach a lot of business owners but we're not necessarily in this like coaching of business how's that the purpose of the business is to make profit that's the whole purpose of the business to make money right that's that's its thing like if it's not making money you don't really have a business you have something that's sinking you and there's a business every business is just based on the same principle of how you attain somebody who's got a problem that you solve into somebody that pays you money to solve that problem the same principle applies and then there's a million different ways that we get if you've got a business million different ways that we get sold the mechanisms to do that process or that flow and then I was looking at okay why is it that guys who have successful businesses aren't necessarily happy but have these business coaches I was like how cool well because we're focusing on the business and for that to be successful the business has to make profit and then we're we're nailing it that's the outcome and then I looked at life coaching I was like oh god life coach how does that set and then I was trying to look at what are the principles like a business you got the principle of person who doesn't know you all the way to somebody pays you for a problem what's the principles of life coaching what do we do there I was like well you have to understand what the outcome of life is so I was like okay cool if that's the case maybe it's a belief maybe it's a principles like to experience life or to self actually all those sorts of things so you have life coaching is the idea of how do you find all these patterns that we've got so you can eliminate them so you can experience life to its absolute fullest and reach your potential and be in that like what we're talking about turns to breaking the cycle reclaim your absolute power and I was like what a powerful thing to really lean into that aspect and then look at business as a tool to experience the life to to push our growth to um develop the great tool that is money so we can pay for more experiences and go from different states or experience learning and it was I was like those are two really really great combos but when you leave one element out of life and you look at the business owners that we have worked with that have suffered the burnout that have built things from the ground up from a place of if I do this or when I do this I'll be worthy and you just see how they lift like in a hole and I think I'd love to know what you've done with your guys and the coaching cause I know the work that you've done guys have double tripled their business increased all the income done all those things without necessarily having the business coach and you've just focused on their life and making them better how have you got them to understand the concept of closer and getting the clarity on that what is actually closer for them I think it's it starts off with realising that your role is to facilitate their creativity in their genius so you are teaching them how to tap into that you're either reminding them of that and that is what catalyses all the changes in their life and their business because they showing up within and and they tapping into more of that potential so um yes of course there's the there there's there's pragmatism that sometimes comes in cause not every session is gonna be like how is your life today sometimes a guy's gonna come to him be like well I know you've got an understanding of maybe marketing or this and this and this I need a little bit of help here because I'm stuck so you gonna go in there with like a practical uh you know consulting role and give them guidance with that but then you zoom back and you say well you know what do you think or what are you feeling or where are you actually sitting right now making this decision from do you think that you are in your most resourceful state frame of mind no so I normally I love using the scale of like 1 to 10 like where are you on that scale 10 being like Tony Robbins on cocaine so that's weird um so if they let's say sitting at a 600 so you're leaving about 40% on the table let's try and get closer so what is it that's stopping you oh here here's a thought here's an idea or I'm struggling with this with my wife or I'm er stuck in my head or undoubting myself or I don't think I'm worthy or I just don't have energy and capacity and that's when you problem solve and you get them to creatively move around those blocks to up that state so they can access more of that potential more of that awareness and from that space oh wow well I didn't actually see this so this actually feels possible now and I was just because of where I was sitting I was looking at this mountain but now that I'm sitting on the same level as that peak oh okay this is actually doable this is normal I've got this I've been through worse and it's that those gentle like refreshers of perspective where they get to zoom out and you know position themselves in a in a more empowered space where they get to make a better decision and do that consistently enough you gonna get a result to remind you moving from you know previously disempowered version or expression of yourself to one that's constant that's clear that's that feels embodied and empowered to make really good fucking decisions time and time again I think you've nailed the difference between someone who's chasing success or building a life that truly feels fulfilling like that is kinda nailed it used a really important word which seems mundane but you used remind and I had the I had this I have this mentor um Jesse Ella doing some of his work and it's it's really cool when I shared a quote at his at the last event and I read it out and he goes what do you give something that has limitless power and ability to create anything that it wants and I was like I don't know amnesia you give it amnesia cause otherwise you'll never be able to control it you it'll never um it'll it'll never understand what it has available to it and I was like okay cool so we're born with amnesia were born with this loss of memory of just how spectacular we fuckin are and you use the term remind them of their genius and I believe that everybody has this phenomenal level of genius in them and I think anybody who owns a business is what I love about business owners is that they're already experiencing parts of it just just a little just a little sniff a tiny little speck of Tony Robbins cocaine you know and when you start peeling off the lies and almost you know Sherlock Holmes looking at it they're like holy shit this really is phenomenal I I really have what it takes I and I can I can create whatever I want here and they start losing those shackles and I think that's one of the most important pieces that I don't want these guys to miss that the reminder is so good cause everything else is tools strategies and tactics and there's thousands of and they they all work at some certain time it's the right tool at the right time but being able to be in a place where you can unravel and peel back the layers for someone so they can understand just how fuckin awesome they are then they can be like oh sweet then that hammer that was a tool before that I didn't think I could pick up happy happy is Larry go go all 4 on that shit the one of the one of the one of the kind of questions or places that I wanna go about men becoming their worst enemy it is a piece around vulnerability and not just I think when it's something that I don't battle with but I also have a perception around when is the right time and who with cause often I see maybe some things shared with uh wives or partners and things like that and it's often not the right person to have that vulnerability with and it's not because we don't know but I think often we don't have the resources like a community of for us as men like other men to open up and have that vulnerability and and and you know sharing with but how do you think that ability to be vulnerable having those people to the right people to share it with helps men become more I think like it it comes down to the practice that men are so good at with suppressing emotion because the minute you suppress a feeling it it's gonna stack up it's unresolved there's a charge in your system and you're gonna inevitably act out or you're gonna you're gonna seek a release and subconsciously you're gonna be driven to do something to release that and I find that with that it's either addiction it's checking out association it's porn it's it's you know what whatever activity you can think of to avoid you know that that feeling that you have in your system and guys don't necessarily have the understanding or the mechanical they too afraid of actually sitting with that so being able to confront the feeling that by the way that is residing within your body so you're just feeling something inside of your body so it's not that the feeling is bigger than you you're bigger than the feeling cause it's happening inside of you you get to let go of it let to reframe it express it get curious about it and when you are plugging yourself into a space where someone can guide you and help hold that space where they inviting hey like you can explore this like it's okay it's not gonna kill you this is actually just an invitation to to be more to do more to express more to give yourself the opportunity to to be a a better bigger more authentic expression of you like why would you not want to do that and having a coach or having a guide or a community or just a space where you can do that and look even if it's a even if it's a therapist or whatever the case is if you can find an outlet where you feel safe enough to express but you're not gonna feel judged because that that's the thing you gonna have the self judgement like ooh I'm vulnerable there's a open wound here it's okay cause everyone has emotions you're not the only one in the world like it's okay everyone has their shit they have to deal with but you just been willing to confront that take ownership and share that with another person just by doing that you will start opening things up and things will begin to unravel and make more sense bit by bit um and I find that's that's invaluable because now you're no longer subject to making decisions from that suppressed space yeah I am just this Saturday gone I had an experience where I was organising to go biking yes with another man in very tight clothes just to you know make that nice and clear for everyone listening story so as well as finally got our shit sorted we're gonna get right over a couple hours late please like I can't believe this I'm not gonna get to do any of the stuff we talked about and I was like yes we are gonna get to do all this and then there was this as I was leaving this thing about you don't spend enough time with me or with Oakley and I was like I'm gonna go biking so I'm like right take that and I went off biking and I'm biking along with my mate Doug and I'm like dude one I feel fuckin angry but I know under the anger there is this element of not necessarily shame but idea that I could do more I could have been better I could have done something I could have you know all these things and I I went through this whole process whole story in my head I'm like how is this worked out so blue has now become a mother so she's given up her work and her work has become being a mother I've now become a dad