The Uncommon Man Project

EP18: The Modern Man’s Dilemma: Navigating Purpose, Power, and Vulnerability

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Welcome to The Uncommon Man Project, where we challenge modern men to rise above mediocrity and break free from the distractions that dilute their potential. Dive deep into the conversations that matter – mental resilience, emotional intelligence, leadership, and creating impact in every facet of life. Our episodes explore the evolving roles of men in the 21st century, tackling issues of purpose, vulnerability, and community. Led by a group of seasoned coaches and entrepreneurs, we provide insights and tools to help you level up your business, relationships, and personal growth. Join us to discover what it truly means to be an uncommon man.

3 Actionable Tools for Men from This Episode:

  1. Doctor Quiet: Cultivate moments of silence and stillness in your life. It’s through these quiet moments that you can hear your true thoughts and make the greatest decisions for your future.
  2. Discipline & Space: Learn to actively create space for discipline. Cut out the noise and distractions that hold you back from focusing on what truly matters.
  3. Join a Brotherhood: Surround yourself with men who challenge you, support you, and hold you accountable. Whether it's through in-person events or online communities, building a network is key to growth.

Ready to stop living a life of distraction and mediocrity? Join our High Performance Man Group, where 20,000 men are actively supporting each other every day. Connect with us for coaching, resources, and live events that will help you live your potential. Visit uncmp.com for more info and secure your spot at our next event!

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Welcome back to another uncommon man podcast where we help legendary men uncommon lives by eliminating and avoiding burnout and experiencing what it is the lean into the potential. Have amazing, relationships, awesome business, and career today. Have Harry and Nick with us. We are diving into exploring and explaining what we understand or what we have learned to be the modern man. Why? And what are the differences between what we are now to what we've been in the past and what we believe is Some of the major factors that impact. who what we are and how we interact in the world now compared to possibly some of the things that were in the past.

Joshua Hamilton: Some of the things, obviously, we're going to be digging in and discovering for ourselves on this, because we have not lived. Through history. We have our years of experience and the things that we have studied, but we hope to share with you some insights and some really helpful resources to navigate the world that we navigate that you navigate now, And the resources that we've shared with our guys on coaching journeys, that have enabled them to live. Just an unbelievable life coming out of some pretty dark spaces. So as always there will be some really beneficial and helpful resources for you in this stick around, If you love it, share it with your mates. Our mission is to become stronger communities. So let's dive in first, Nick,

Joshua Hamilton: What is the saying? What is the same about men in history to men. what are the similarities?

Nick Vonpitt: I think if we're gonna look from a physiological standpoint, I'd say we pretty much looked the same. We still have all the same parts ideally and…

Joshua Hamilton: Yes.

Nick Vonpitt: something's changed over the last couple of years. Our topic I think just from a biological standpoint show,…

Joshua Hamilton: Hot topic? Yeah. All right. All right.

Nick Vonpitt: we can take that box. But in terms of desire and purpose.

Nick Vonpitt: Or desire for a purpose. I think that is still there but it's one of the most difficult things that the men are trying to find words. For nowadays, it's not as clear cut as it used to be because there's not 10 different jobs, there's thousands of different career parts and opportunities and ways in which you can live your life. Just from mavericks of the past and mavericks of the present day that I just doing things differently and people are actually quite confused. I'd say that there's a little bit more confusion, the social pressure for success. I think, maybe bringing in the idea of social media, and what is being portrayed. There are all those ideals. easily embraced and met, or is there another side to that? That's been a conversation for the last couple of years as well.

Nick Vonpitt: I'd say Those are probably like the things that I'd say would remain the same and just the general pressure for success. In terms of the evolving roles as a whole, the parts that I can point on that are different. And I'm gonna point for him, that's because I'm sure we're gonna dive into this. Would you be the vulnerability component? there's a requirement now for being in touch with your emotions and this higher level of emotional intelligence, the obvious one being changing family dynamics, we don't have communities anymore. So there's a higher expectation in terms of the role of the father in the household and that looks different from home to home, mental health, with all the above with financial pressures and, all the different things that are currently happening in our current world.

Nick Vonpitt: That's become a conversation that men didn't necessarily embrace at a moment, but a couple of moments ago in time but now from a corporate standpoint that's been brought forward more often than not and this one could be a little bit in the gray, but this is just my, personal opinion a fluid masculinity. So the definition of masculinity itself is a lot more fluid today. It's not as Straight Cut. There's not a square box or pigeonal anymore. So,

Joshua Hamilton: There's a bit to touch on there. one thing this is a bit of a weird question And I'm literally discovering this kind of understanding of belief as we go through this journey, but I


00:05:00

Joshua Hamilton: Our challenges just the same and they've come in a different form. For example, What do you think the challenges with social media for me in these days? And then what was say that the 60 plus guys? our parents and onwards, What was this social media back then? What was the challenge? They were facing that we face with social media. Did it exist?

Nick Vonpitt: I think it did in a different way.

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah, that's what I want to know. I'm like, the challenge probably existed.

Nick Vonpitt: Yeah. Yeah.

Joshua Hamilton: The comparison factor that looking up to Hey man, your horse and cats way cooler than my Shoes.

Nick Vonpitt: Yes.

Joshua Hamilton: And I'm walking in. was What do you reckon the challenge was

Nick Vonpitt: I mean, I mean then you've got, status which is still very clear today like that that's something that you could see…

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.

Nick Vonpitt: but it was that whole thing like people were able to build their lives in that space because there's a lot of quiet. You do not bombarded by information. So men focus from a biological level, just give them one task, they'll do it. that's their thing like they can hone in if you're not bombarded with all this information at once able to focus able to be clear. There's just okay. That's what I do. That's my thing. If I'm going to shovel s*** every day, I'm going to be the best shitshavallah on a day-to-day basis and I'll work by yourself up through the company. Then again, we can talk about corporate structure and how the world used to work then, but just for the context of this conversation there was,…

Joshua Hamilton: Okay. I have a feeling.

Nick Vonpitt: it was parity. Yeah.

Joshua Hamilton: Is the challenge distraction. is that actually something that didn't exist as heavily in the past, that it does now, Harry, what are your thoughts?

Harry Orr: Or that temptation in that distraction as well, right. the barrier to act on that is so much lower…

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.

Harry Orr: because you can act on that from the privacy of your own* bathroom for a lot of people as opposed to having to go out and risk a whole lot more s***, right. But…

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.

Harry Orr: then I'd say in terms of that comparison I would say it would have been a lot healthier. because,

Harry Orr: If you're seeing someone to face in real world, you get a much more realistic picture of kind of how they're dealing with things, how they're really going versus you see someone a social media,…

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.

Harry Orr: you see the highlights, you see little glimpse of a shining into their light, maybe that was their golden week maybe as that was touched up on, auto tune or face the children, whatever it is all that kind of stuff so you're comparing your ups and downs everything. You've got to this one little moment or those pieces that you see of other people that walk around with, six packs and crazy about some money and all that kind of s***. I even look at myself in the mirror sometimes and f*** I look fat or I look soft for I look all these kind of things and then I say other angles and no I look f****** lean and I look at the f****** skin like dude you 90% body fat with f*** you talking about and if I think that looking in the mirror right then what other people think that don't have those clean, right?

Joshua Hamilton: What is Joshua? Thanks.

Joshua Hamilton: I think we might have nailed something there. that might be the dirty challenge that sits in front of us that Maybe is demanding more discipline from us and you see the old sayings, Hard time, create strong men and good times, create wheat men. And I don't is it is it a different sort of heart?

Harry Orr: the show because I think I'm not gonna argue but perspective there is Chris Williams and has as a name for this. It's like, and we spoke about it the other week, Nick of when you're at rock bottom, or you're in hard times, it is so* easy to find a reason to change, When you're on rock bottom, you have no money. You have your partners leaving. You've got all this* against you. It is very easy to find motivation to get out of that place. When you're in that easy time, it is much harder to find motivation because if you do or don't do things, it's not the end of the world, you're not gonna be kicked out your part. Let's not gonna leave. you're not gonna die. it's not that big a deal. So, your motivation shifts from being external, when you're in hard times versus now,…

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.

Harry Orr: it needs to become internal, right would be my perspective.

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah, my sense. so, kind of summing up the whole idea of our time. the hard that we experience is We don't have war famine most of time, It's not this external hard that would put on ourselves so much, but still external but the hard that we experience is bombardment So many distractions centralization comparison. Is there That this generation's heart now.


00:10:00

Harry Orr: I think Nick said it before choice. if you're in a hard times, you don't have much of a choice. do the stuff do the work or don't starve and die and get kicked out, right?

Joshua Hamilton: You're starting to sound like or Schwab you'll have nothing and you'll be happy. So we just take away choices. is this the answer that we just eliminate choice?

Nick Vonpitt: Dictatorship, totally. Yeah. That's it.

Harry Orr: Yeah.

Nick Vonpitt: Just dictate everyone's life, what I think there's a layered beyond what we've just said This is a sore point, but, People back then. I don't think that they used to mask. What? They were going through to the same degree. Like you said, nowadays, you've got social media that you can portray. The life is great. My business is thriving. My relationship is amazing. You can't hide that s***. If you're seeing people face to face, you get a feeling if you're seeing people you can see that they building they struggling. You could see these things because people actually connected with one another. I think that alongside the fact that, distraction is a massive component to this.

Nick Vonpitt: Men had more of a community back. Then, nowadays the home itself has been dismantled people being pigeonholed like everyone's got to just look after themselves.

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.

Nick Vonpitt: I'm gonna look after my community. It's not that I have a brotherhood or a space where I can connect because everyone's are kind of doing their own thing. And I can attest to that because I've got guys that I haven't heard from in years that I used to be like best friends that we used to speak every single day and it's not that we dislike each other and I'm sure many men are going through. There's many people in general but this is massive disconnect versus back then or even people in their 50s and 60s. I know that they calling their mates or 40 years ago and they still having chats once or twice a week. There's a different level of connection that I think was, formed during those periods of time because these people just I don't see the point of social media and all these different things. I'm gonna just give you a call and see how you are and

Nick Vonpitt: it may become more into that, vulnerability side, maybe more to a degree more than I expected to say on this conversation today. But I think that there was more openness and there was more connection and people were like, I'm struggling with this. Can you help me or people would be like? Hey, I can see that your bad thing with this. I actually like to help you because we are all part of this experience and we would like everyone to win. It wasn't just I'm gonna hold on to I recall my grandfather. f*** I was young and he's always have this thing of If there was, let's say someone that was at the gate and it was a friend or someone, they would always be an extra seat at the table. That was like his philosophy that he lived by.

Nick Vonpitt: This very few spaces that I have experienced that in more recent times it's like, you ever made that just comes and pops by randomly nowadays, you took off John's here,…

Joshua Hamilton: Okay.

Nick Vonpitt: I didn't feel like seeing them. Versus this is amazing. it's little sailor to Uncle John. I go and Martha, whatever help you ever was at your door and you would invite them in and you'd sit there and you'd have a cup of coffee and it wasn't seen as an inconvenience because people actually had space and time to live. They weren't bombarded by information and connection was an important part of society. It helped govern the connection of society. so,

Joshua Hamilton: that was my tech to be. I've created a home. If I come around to my house and somebody else's in my house, making a cup of tea, is one of my mates, my f***. Yeah, I've got home because that's what it was like, in my home as a kid. But this is the interesting thing because there might be some people listening that maybe in their 60s or they're in their 20s. And you get this whole, people label at the boom and me entity. No, but is immune to that, I can distraction, that is this thing or social media, because I have watched plenty of people in their 60s and so forth. Absolutely tapped out by social media just that conversation, Hey man, where are you in that? Just

Joshua Hamilton: Power on social media, there, on the track, I'm like, to me, it doesn't matter what generation you're from. Whether you the great generation the Boomers or I don't even know who's next Millennials. Xy, Gen Z, whatever it is so that is I still reckon one of our biggest challenges across the entire generation, but I reckon you've now a little on the head with that space, we don't have that anymore because we fill it with s***.


00:15:00

Joshua Hamilton: and this is a resource right now. One of the things we teach our guys, the four doctors Diet Dr. Movement and Abby Dr. Quiet And then about it was a thing. I mean by Paul check, if you don't have doctor quiet in your life, the greatest investment you can ever make is in your thinking and you can't do that unless you have space. There's absolutely So make sure you've got that in your life but that was super interesting guys and bring down a bit of a different hole than I expected to go. But To come up with out of all those things. the similarities and the difference in space, being the major difference because we still had comparison, we still had all those things, and then we're lack in community and in space You're going to think you'd like to add to.

Harry Orr: Would like to shift in there from things you said Nick as to one of the differences or potentially in expectations. is that vulnerability Do you think that because of the lack of community that

Harry Orr: partners, expect more emotional connection because of that because they don't get it from else other sources, So, when we had tribes, we had more communities. You had more people to rely on, so you had a person for different things, And so your man was the masculine, the power. they're all those things and that was their job. You wouldn't go and take your female problems to him and expect him to kind of sit there and listen and be one of your girl to kind of chat you talking to me for go away. just like you have someone else for that. Right? so now because of the lack of communities, we have one person that we expect to be everything. So they have to wear all these different hats which has its own repercussions in terms of attraction and spark and all those kind of things. But do you think that emotional vulnerability or can that space? Is a repercussion of that, like a community.

Joshua Hamilton: Mean asking that of men to be vulnerable?

Harry Orr: Yes.

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah. Is it lack of? Yeah. I'll let Nick have a standard that one.

Nick Vonpitt: I think there's maybe three answers to that question. The first one would be Society has changed. And so the expectations and our roles have changed, just because of the nature of change. So we've had to evolve as men like the world is asking more of us by default as humans as well. it's asking more in indifferent. Ways like We have to change. So it's difficult to compare its apples and oranges because it's like the same beast but it's just different environments. The environment is completely different. it's not that you're having to kill or be killed anymore. It's not that you said You don't have these, communities of people that you get to connect with and it's all, just shared within that household. I think

Nick Vonpitt: I think if you verbalized something that many people struggle with and they don't necessarily know how to say it, From the standpoint of what our role was then to what it is now.

Nick Vonpitt: I think.

Nick Vonpitt: Men were a little bit different than because I do think that we will probably more vulnerable. And in that period of time and I know maybe not, it's from, let's say the 50s and 60s onwards, maybe I'm talking like it's got back 200 years plus Just because of the intimacy, in community and connection, men didn't have to wear that mask. You could be very vulnerable with your partner. In a different way. I don't know my wife, she's gonna very old soul and the way that she expresses that she says, the way people loved each other, then was very different to the way people love each other. Now, And I think if we were to, maybe transpose this on to this conversation, I think men love differently.

Nick Vonpitt: It was a different experience. a woman felt really held and safe and maybe the world didn't see that level of intimacy, but in the household it was different you felt the warmth and connection from a man. But nowadays men are just very dissociated and they busy and they are distracted and comes back to information overload. It comes back to the lack of clarity it comes back to the lack of purpose. It comes back to the lack of support. We don't necessarily have that to the same degree and you have all these other expectations upon you and this idea of money. That then also just takes away from that presence, that people are looking for. So I think we had more of an opportunity then to do things. We are fighting for now. Because we have a lot less space.


00:20:00

Nick Vonpitt: And so we are very much like a fish out of water and we're trying to find the water. Through all these other means. If that makes sense.

Joshua Hamilton: All right, I'm gonna hit you with two with a loaded question and I don't have the answer to this by the way. They're but I figured I'd throw you guys under the bus.

Nick Vonpitt: Cool.

Joshua Hamilton: Just to get some real good opinions going on you. But I'm the vulnerability place. you said, Harry your wife's best mate, your wife's confident, you're gossip, girl. You're a provider. You're like all of these things in there. And I go back to this vulnerability piece and because people talk about becoming flatmates and all these additives that come with that because you lose that sexual tension in your relationship. I believe maybe because you're wearing all these hats. So I asked that the question and maybe it's a bit of a broad stroke but should women see men cry.

Harry Orr: Depends what it's over.

Joshua Hamilton: Okay, cool. Explain

Harry Orr: If you're crying because Your child just died or you lost a parent or there's something of that magnitude. I feel like that's valid reason. if there's something

Harry Orr: Because you're struggling to control to handle your own emotions.

Joshua Hamilton: Come on.

Harry Orr: But I don't think so.

Joshua Hamilton: I can big dog, medic. Do it.

Harry Orr: I don't think that helps any life. It's like if it helps you to cry then maybe I don't know. I was raised by a woman that didn't even cry at her own parents' funeral. So that's not something that comes natural to me. So, even people that say I just need a good cry. I have no idea what That feels I don't know if that helps people with their protein processing their s***, but and I can't speak for women…

Joshua Hamilton: Go.

Harry Orr: but I don't see that being a

Harry Orr: I don't think she would view you any more favorably by saying that.

Joshua Hamilton: Go. So I before I get a nickel on this question, then.

Harry Orr: One sec. Unless it's something that you're shared with, If you're shared in that same situation then it's slightly different…

Joshua Hamilton: Okay.

Harry Orr: but if it's just she's like standing on the outside and you're just sitting there crying then,…

Joshua Hamilton: okay, I will this adds to it…

Harry Orr: Gone.

Joshua Hamilton: then when that shared situation, minus the kid, all the, member dying does you Take away her feeling of safety. As you've been a rock.

Harry Orr: Again I think it depends on in what space it is. If it's showing that you're unable to handle something that she is relying on you, for Then, of course. That's gonna show an ability to do that.

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah. okay.

Harry Orr: Okay. If I expect this doesn't happen in our a****** because I cook, but if she can't cook and sits there and starts crying because you can't cook a* meal. I'm like, that's pretty upsetting. That's what I'm relying on you, for. All right. but together

Joshua Hamilton: Valid Okay, so when it comes to men's spaces and things like that and having other men being around and let's go back to that community piece. Do you think it's okay for men to cry in front of other men?

Harry Orr: I think that's a better space for it. It is a better space. I feel like you would be more supported because you would get support from a masculine energy rather than being a comforted, which again, comes back to. I guess, what we talk about, a lot of times like men don't need to be comforted, they need to be challenged to get over stuff, right? It's not this talk here. People you'll be okay? It's okay. Just it out,* out. Let's talk about it. And then, if there's action to be taken from it, let's go on that or whatever it happens from there.

Joshua Hamilton: I don't think that bus is completely run over. You might think if you've done all right there, Even all right.

Harry Orr: What?

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah, just throwing you under it. I just want to see what would come out of it but that you're under the bus What do you reckon? Should a woman. See a man Her man in particular

Nick Vonpitt: I think it's also context dependent to be very honest with you. I agree a lot With what Harry Harry said there. If you're looking at I suppose, I look at crying differently. I see it just as an emotional release in the body processing it. so, from a biological standpoint it's incredible what it does to your system when you do cry the amount of tension regulation


00:25:00

Nick Vonpitt: Parity release and dolphins, all the stuff. So it's actually good for you to do that. So if you do feel the need to cry, I mean go and f** cry, but it's very different if you're going to continue in that space and then not be proactive. And, okay, I've had my moment. Let me pick my s*** up again, and just move on with my life. It's very different versus I'm wallowing. And I'm perpetuating, and I'm the gym and…

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.

Nick Vonpitt: life is so f*** hard and unfair, and Why did this happen? when you're asking yourself, those s** questions, then honestly your man card is just Plus out the window and just dude.

Nick Vonpitt: This is where you need to stand up and be I've clearly made some poor decisions or life just happened this way. how can I start, shifting things back in my favor, taking control what I can control shifting, my perspective moving through x, y and Z. And I think, I'm a person that struggle to show and express emotion, because, one of my biggest things, personally, which was just dissociation through trauma.

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.

Nick Vonpitt: So, I find that when I've had these,

Nick Vonpitt: Pivotal moments in my life where there is this need to express and there's a lot of emotion and there is in a release I know I welcome it, I allow it and I'd even say now after having a daughter I describe when I look at her and I don't feel if that's just gratitude and appreciation and s*** and that's different because I'm critical things out of joy for what it means and there's meaning in this purpose, it's just like, wow, when you've had a day and you feel really accomplished and you just so grateful and you're in that space of appreciation that then I see a differently as well. So I think it's really context dependent and it's what you're doing. After it emotions are normal, you're supposed to feel s*** you're not supposed to suppress and repress. All these things you need to feel and heal and move through your s*** but it's a forward motion.

Nick Vonpitt: There's not just this thing where you wallow and you said, obviously grief has its own dance that for the majority of the emotions. You experience it and you begin to move on and move forward. so,

Joshua Hamilton: I'm really disappointed and I hope somebody takes something that is long form content and just cuts it up and makes it sound like Really good toxic masculinity. I'm just gutted, you guys really didn't, give me some really drive over you with…

Harry Orr: Are. it's

Nick Vonpitt: we have evolved.

Joshua Hamilton: but I think if we have evolved yet, I…

Harry Orr: Because I'd also gone,…

Joshua Hamilton: what you go ahead.

Harry Orr: I was gonna say, I'd also tie that back to what I said, beforehand about the multiple hats. If your woman is the one that you cry to, that's probably gonna like all that relationship down,…

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.

Harry Orr: Because that spark that, attraction is gonna go down naturally with that. we're having that men that circle that community. Those people to do that kind of stuff to help you through that, instead of leaning on your woman for that is gonna service you and your relationship a hell of a lot better.

Joshua Hamilton: I think you guys have now,…

Nick Vonpitt: Yes.

Joshua Hamilton: some two really important things. One Brian suit super healthy healthy. let's take a call at three things. Crying to your woman, may not be the best thing. The ultimate combo. has been able to have the strength to cry in front of other men, and a great healthy space because I think that bonds men, but it also brings this level of safety and security up in ours to be able to relinquish that white for a moment, know that we'll be held by the masculine and they're like,

Joshua Hamilton: f***. That was not as bad as I thought. You guys are what I'm going to leave me. Just because I've shown this site of weakness. It's like no. If you were going to show weakness, do it while other men around because that your guard f***, when you go in the wild and you're drinking from the fountain, you're drinking from the lake. If you want some other guy, I can watch in your back, Hey dude, you have the water, I'll watch your back, it's the same thing in that moment, I'm gonna be vulnerable. I could be attacked at any moment, absolutely destroyed that I want. Some powerful men around me. I think just it goes back to the same thing we're doing before community. Was the big piece and that distraction piece. But community, if you have it, you can have those healthy moments. we'll have to wear so many hands. Could you imagine just how f*** cool? It is having a community of me.

Harry Orr: So much easier bar.

Joshua Hamilton: So much easier. If you haven't come to one of our events, your experience, what? It's like to be around, absolutely legends.

Joshua Hamilton: So as was saying, Spice. Create some space in your life, get away from distraction, and it takes discipline to create space. So you're learning two skills, the At the same time, you get to analyze your thinking which is the greatest investment you'll ever do, because if you can change your level of thinking you will change the level of your life, To find a group of men, doesn't matter where they are in person is always the greatest. That's why we have person events three year. They're amazing. If you haven't been to one and you want to come to one, or you want some more info, just reach out. Go to our website at uncmp.com. You will see our next event. Is in, May 20125 gonna barley, the moment there's about 10 spots lift, actually, which is selling out fast, but yeah, it's absolutely awesome. be part of our crew or come into our High Performance, Man group.

Joshua Hamilton: There's 20,000 guys in there. We're supporting each other all the time. There's resources and their, countless every week. Every day. Come join us. We welcome you with open arms. Love to see you live and uncommon life, where you truly get to live into longer that idea of, What is my potential? It's like I'm f living it. This is my potential and live in. That space is a f*** at venture. So come and join us guys. Love to have you there. Thank you for listening. Please share, if you found this helpful. Big loved you.