The Uncommon Man Project

EP15: Anger Under Control: Transforming Stress into Strength

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Welcome to The Uncommon Man Project podcast, where we empower men to break free from burnout, reclaim their drive, and eliminate stress. In each episode, we dive deep into the challenges modern men face—from managing overwhelming responsibilities to controlling the anger that often follows. Join hosts Joshua Hamilton, Nick Vonpitt, and Harry Orr as they share personal stories, expert insights, and actionable tools to help you navigate the pressures of life without losing your cool. Discover how to transform your stress into strength and create a more balanced, fulfilling life. Tune in, take control, and become the uncommon man you were meant to be.

Three Takeaway Tools:

  1. The Kaleidoscope Frame: Shift your perspective on stress by reframing situations to see them through a lens that promotes calmness and clarity. This tool helps you find the most constructive angle to view challenges, reducing the likelihood of stress turning into anger.
  2. Cause and Effect Awareness: Practice living at cause rather than effect. This means taking ownership of your emotions and actions rather than blaming external factors. By controlling the controllables, you can reduce anxiety and maintain a level-headed approach.
  3. Stress-to-Action Conversion: Use stress as a trigger to engage in positive action rather than letting it spiral into anger. Whether it’s a quick physical activity, deep breathing, or a mental reset technique, find a strategy that works for you to keep your reactions in check.

Ready to take the next step? Join our community of uncommon men who are committed to living life on their own terms. Whether you're interested in exclusive events, personalized coaching, or simply connecting with like-minded men, we have something for you. Check out the links in our show notes to learn more about our upcoming programs and how you can get involved. Don't wait—start your journey to becoming an uncommon man today!

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Joshua Hamilton: Welcome to The Uncommon podcast where we help men eliminate and avoid burnout increase their drive and…

Joshua Hamilton: energy and eliminate the stress and their life.

Joshua Hamilton: today we're diving into

Joshua Hamilton: What happens and how to avoid the fact when we feel overwhelmed when we feel stressed when we feel anxious? How do we stop that converting into anger now if anything like me or the boys here I can probably speak for them as well when life just feels like it** ways a ton and you come home exhausted from work. The last thing you need is more questions and the simplest thing because you've been making decisions all day long you get home and a simple question a loving question. In fact something like hey, babe. What do you want for dinner? Just sit you off the kids want your time. Your wife wants your attention. The dog wants dinner. Everything is aiming to just be that last straw that breaks the camel's back and suddenly you find yourself snapping towards your kids. All they want is time with Dad snapping towards your wife who's just trying to show you love and let's be honest stepping towards your dog. All that thing does is where it gets tall and love

Joshua Hamilton: so how do you avoid this and why does it even happen we're going to dive into that today to give you guys the tools and skills to eliminate first the overwhelm and the burnout and second if that is already happening to you. how do you avoid it turning into the anger towards your loved ones? neck right? What have you experienced in your own personal life? about how I guess not just work stress but stress in general and that overwhelmed in general turning into anger towards your loved ones.

Nick Vonpitt: It's really interesting. I think in the position of overwhelm and you find yourself in that place and the anxiety is building and there's just constant tension and Like you said earlier just this weight. That just doesn't want to dissipate. what I found in my life is I used to go very much inwards and I feel like I'd have to compartmentalize it but as I started doing that. the pressure would build inside of my system.

Nick Vonpitt: And I didn't feel safe enough to express that let's say in my work directly address whatever the pressure was or in whatever situ other situation. I was experiencing and I would then redirect that anger and aggression all that let this call oppression initially towards my loved ones. So my partner would take the brunt of that she would maybe do something or say something or Express something and I would be so, deeply triggered by something so small and unrelated and then I'd be like, that is a fantastic opportunity to go in myself and to let go of this pressure because you're the reason why I'm feeling this way.

Nick Vonpitt: And Michael repeated itself or I don't know essentially that was my mechanism of releasing that and then also kids you get frustrated because they noisy they being kids. They can oppress buttons. They're gonna ask questions. They're going to figure life out around you and you're just gonna have to make sense of it. And that would result in the same thing. Why did you do that? And that those would be the moments of release and I found that the more anxious. I got the shorter that fuse was. So whenever there was an incident, immediately I would react versus it might take a little bit of time. So depending on how regulated and self-aware was at the time. That would depend on how reactive and angry. I would essentially be.


00:05:00

Joshua Hamilton: Does it kind of reason with you Harry? You have…

Harry Orr: 100% I

Joshua Hamilton: Do you have any kind of different take on it?

Harry Orr: when I was feeling that frustration that anger or what caused it.

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah, what kind of cool stuff for you?

Harry Orr: What I thought was causing it at the time or…

Joshua Hamilton: Let's start with yeah.

Harry Orr: in reflection, Because that's here. They're two different answers.

Joshua Hamilton: Okay, perfect. Let's start what you think was causing the time the first initial response.

Harry Orr: At the time that frustration was because I felt like I didn't have enough time. I've got work to do. leave me alone. I don't want to have to decide what we're eating for dinner. I don't want to have to do this f*** off. I'm trying to get this stuff done so that I can be the provider for the family so I can do these things. I'm doing this for Leave me alone so I can get this and there's like you could project that frustration on to other people, right? So it was because I didn't have enough time to work or because of this other excuse of why can't do this when you're home because you're too noisy. I can't make content. I can't record this while I've got kids and s*** in the background. I can't do this because of XYZ and then there's always because of this external factor that I was like projecting this to and then that's where my anger and those emotions would be directed at

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah, and yes, what do we call that for our guys? living at

Nick Vonpitt: So I just want to add into that so it could maybe come up in three different ways. So anger in itself.

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.

Nick Vonpitt: It can either be like this passive aggression where you don't want to admit that you're angry but it's summing underneath the surface. You've got your open aggression where you're very direct and you can see it in your demeanor and your expressing that and also what I find that the passive aggress and aggression. It comes from a need to control and assert a sense of control in a situation. So you're trying to redirect whatever's happening in your external space and then if you've got the hang of it, let's say you're aware of it.

Harry Orr: which

Nick Vonpitt: And you've done some introspection. You can actually assert the anger and use it as a tool. So it can come out on those three ways.

Joshua Hamilton: I

Harry Orr: I'm naturally a nice guy.

Nick Vonpitt: Just for reference.

Joshua Hamilton: this

Harry Orr: So we're passive aggressive creatures. So that's me.

Joshua Hamilton: because yeah, so this is good because it kind of touches on it that's on two things. It's like it causal living in effect. That is the difference in that aspect of life there. And do you want to kind of just explain living at cause and effect a bit Harry for the guys listening so they can understand it.

Harry Orr: Sure, so when you're living as effect, you're living as a result of everything happening to you like everything whether it's people like situations in life. Everything happens to you. Everything is against you and you just

Harry Orr: Yet pushed through life and everything happens to you and you're the victim basically because it's everybody else's fault. It's never You're never to blame and it's always everybody else. But when we live as cores, we take ownership, we take responsibility for ourselves our emotions our actions our situation in life. And then look at what part did I play in that and then take action based on that recognition to then your situation better you position so that you're actually owning the part that you can control in what you're upset about all the decision you're referring to.

Joshua Hamilton: And that I guess got for the guys listening that is one of the biggest and most powerful tools that you can understand that is a tool because as soon as you can understand then put that in your life, you control all the controllables which is where a lot of anxiety comes from there are some things we can't control in our life and that's fine. We should know what those things are. But when it comes to controlling the controllables calls and effect is really really important. We've touched on a few things, but I want to give the guys an awareness of what are the early signs that your anxiety is about to turn into anger.

Harry Orr: When used for me, it's when I would get triggered or react emotionally over trivial things. I would go from 0 to 100 f****** that right all of a sudden you'd be chill. You'd be with myself with Jacks and sorry buddy. It's okay, he's crying and then he doesn't stop after a few seconds and it's like dude. Why won't you shut the** right? You just go like ham or when the Mrs. Ask you as he said one of those loving questions and it's just I'm fine to just fall rage mode out of nowhere. Cool, there's something simmering in there that you haven't acknowledged probably do something about that. So feeling those things coming on of that zero to 100 is a sign for me that there's stuff.


00:10:00

Joshua Hamilton: That's a key one not.

Harry Orr: I need to look at.

Joshua Hamilton: What about you?

Nick Vonpitt: I think you'll answer that really well. on my side I

Nick Vonpitt: I would notice that I wouldn't feel myself. So I feel I suppose the physical symptoms of I'm tired. I feel tense. I don't feel like doing things that I'd normally want to do. And that's been building gradually, and then maybe I would notice. That they were changes in my patterns of behavior. So I went to bed a little bit later and later and later. I'm drinking more coffee. I'm not doing X the things that I normally commit to which I believe are important to making sure that I show up as the best version of me. So I'd say there was even at a self-sabotaging forward slash procrastination underlying procrastination and then everything builds then anxiety comes up.

Nick Vonpitt: And then just like Harry then you have those moments and it's either passive aggression. You're Snappy or you're in their full-blown rage mode. this f*** that I'm frustrated life is s***. The weather made me feel this way today. f*** the dog. It's just f*** spiders. Whatever the Australians are getting to sorry Harry. I'm just saying then that thing comes out and then you just* Wait did that actually come from what was it? But it's been building. It might not even be It's a week or two or three it could even be a month that this is built up and paint up and then it just gets expressed and everyone else has to suffer because of that. Yeah.

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.

Harry Orr: I'll even add to that one of the things that used to be one of my very early signs, which I used to think. This was my way of solving the problem of I met I don't have enough time right so I can't create more time, but I can sleep less with the power of coffee. So I'm gonna get up at 3:34 in the morning basically double or triple my caffeine intake and just work more so not only does that increase in caffeine and stimulants but also decrease my sleep add to that anxiety and that's I guess low is the threshold to stress lowers the threshold to that discipline to that mental control and all those gonna things so my fuse become shorter and I get to that hundred a hell of a lot faster because of all those things prior.

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.

Harry Orr: So that's I guess a couple of the factors that then lead that fuse to being the size of an absolute B dick.

Joshua Hamilton: I've got about three or four telltale signs. One is like I get real heavy.

Joshua Hamilton: Just plays like man you breathing really heavily at the moment.

Harry Orr: Just real dramatic.

Joshua Hamilton: She's like you're right. Yeah. And I'm just what's going on and in this there's an avoidance mechanism. So I'll either be like, we just watch a movie or I'll be on my phone more and there's something like that I feel really rushed like there is a lot on. my God so much stuff on I just have so much stuff on and they want to break it down put it into a list of I could probably do that in the next hour. that's not gonna be a big deal. And that's one of my tools. By the That is if I'm stressed out. I just shut the door my office I go inside I take my list. That's right. I'm Does it fit in your calendar this week? No, what about the next two weeks? Yes, put it in beautiful. that is beautiful. and then the final one is this thing that I say I just Feel like I need to go Bush for a bit. Just go camping or just get out of here and just

Joshua Hamilton: Sit in the bush and that's one of the things. that's all it is.

Harry Orr: Is that another form of avoidance?

Joshua Hamilton: Just another form of avoidance for me and I'm like man and then cheap is this five actually because the last one is alcohol. I'll let you be like I think it's time for a whiskey and be like, it's four o'clock on Monday. you're right. it's not a great time for a whiskey it certainly feels that way and those are those things that I know that I'm anxious. I'm feeling overwhelmed and if I don't do something about it. It turns into dang it. Every time but it's funny because obviously you live with your partner long enough. I think it's nearly 13 years now influence That things happening. I'm like …


00:15:00

Harry Orr: Not that out.

Joshua Hamilton: yeah. Yeah.

Harry Orr: Get out of here.

Joshua Hamilton: All right. I don't want to do that cool and

Joshua Hamilton: I guess.

Joshua Hamilton: We've kind of touched on a bit, but I want to go deeper into the idea of Love. Why does anxiety or that overwhelm? What does it actually turn into anger? what is the connection between the two Nick?

Nick Vonpitt: So like I mentioned earlier it's in this case specifically personally. I see it as a way to your environment and by obviously you asserting yourself and becoming more dominant in some way shape or Able to take control it's this narrative that you can shift. But essentially it's actually a fight response. So you'll fight flight freeze This is a fight response that you would normally, step into and this comes across when you're feeling endangered or threatened by a situation or loved one or you're sitting in a position where you've had all these intrusive thoughts and are you believe them and are you're feeding these thoughts these little clouds or Whispers or ideas and now this has to be true

Nick Vonpitt: And then that creates a story and that story is going to elicit an emotional response. And so you are in a fight response and then if we dive a little bit deeper into that, essentially you are dysregulated. from a nervous system standpoint're You're not regulated. So everything is heightened cortisol is up. And you're ready to go and fight and that builds up over time and you haven't been able to bring yourself down. So everything is going to be feeding this response and over a period of time because even let's say if you are someone that is normally A person who flees a situation or freezes or phones because of the trauma or your upbringing whatever the case may be. If you look at the two different types of anger that's expressed. it might be very passive.

Nick Vonpitt: And because normally you're only express that anger in the spaces that you feel safest and that's normally the people that are closest to you that are gonna feel the brunt of that. You'll be willing to express that. And that's how you might bypass a normal response of how you normally want.

Joshua Hamilton: this really interesting because I look at how I'm by no means perfect and these things still happen in my life where I blow up a little bit and regret it regularly, but I look at those times when I'm overwhelmed and that I anxiety is building This is Matt or model that I play under my head that I've got so much on so therefore more my times and work less of my times with Fleur and the family which then I feel like I'm letting her down. I'm not doing enough and then that anxiety builds plural say one small thing like

Joshua Hamilton: How come you didn't do the washing or how can you said you were going to get that done and quickly all of that anxiety and flip straight through the transfer of resentment into anger and it's very very fast. And that's that whole thing that Harry said before while I'm*** doing this for you. and it used to be fast, and I wasn't aware of it, but that's how the anger exploded and that was that nice guy. I was a Savage I was six months. Just pile it up.

Joshua Hamilton: Suddenly get overwhelmed straw broke the cameras back and I would flip the switch and that I wanted to take back control and the anger. I felt gave me control didn't it was just the idea. I had in my head and that was God. there's still a little bit of Shame around that and the past for sure those pieces of the puzzle that are still there like man You lost your s*** bad. There so that's interesting.

Nick Vonpitt: Yeah.

Joshua Hamilton: If Harry what have you done in your own life and with your clients to bring awareness to how that anger is coming up from anxiety for them.


00:20:00

Harry Orr: We already touched on it like that cause and effect Peace So that whole projection of I'm pushing this out onto other people. That especially don't deserve it. we know when you look at some of those things that we blow up about. They're trivial things. I don't think anyone would say that warranted that result that response no one would So when you can look at that and be like, okay, there's something deeper. There's something else that's going on. It's either if it's in that relationship. Maybe there's a bunch of other stuff you haven't addressed and that's just the tip of the iceberg. there's s*** that's there or if there's the common theme of you triggered getting angry getting overwhelmed at other things across the board whether it's the kid the dog the partner friends like other situations in life then

Harry Orr: You're the common theme there. What is it? when you look back at yourself that maybe you're not feeling in control with that? You're not doing that you're frustrated or that you're angry with yourself about that is being then projected onto other people because we'd like to find an easy way out or push it on to someone else instead of taking responsibility for ourself.

Joshua Hamilton: That piece right Nick talked about channeling anger. It can be useful tool. But whenever this tension in our life, we search to resolve it and some of us resolve it in Anger. I've resolved it in retreating there is a way that we try and…

Harry Orr: 

Joshua Hamilton: resolve it rather than alchemizing it. And I want to talk to a couple of things. I want to share strategies with these guys for before you're angry. how do you deal with this? What strategies do you use and now that if you're already angry and you're in that place and I want to have an understanding of how to guys actually alkomize that energy into something that's going to be positive. what Have you shared with your clients Nick that have been helpful strategies?

Nick Vonpitt: so one of the things that I bring up is. How we are thinking about the situation? So your pissed off essentially because of how you're thinking about. the situation or the object person

Nick Vonpitt: when you step a little bit back out of your ego and out of your experience, and you just look at it and you're like Did the weather really f****** my day? How did the weather do that? We're just out of curiosity. How did the weather do that? It's rainy. I wanted to go outside and for a Go to the beach. Did the weather really day. No, but my thinking about the weather f****** up my dad. And it's when you can kind of start I always see it when someone is really stuck in their thought process. It's like you've got all That validate this narrative and when you can start unhooking those hooks from yourself and be like that it actually wasn't that just how I was looking at it. So what if I stand here and just thought ving? This experience and asking myself different questions about it getting really curious. So the first bit of medicine that I share is well perspective and curiosity.

Nick Vonpitt: Because you can't be pissed off and curious at the same time. Genuinely can't so you sit there…

Joshua Hamilton: That's true.

Nick Vonpitt: you actually ask yourself questions about this and maybe you don't get to the root. But even if you can at least quell the thoughts and the way you're thinking about that you will bring the intensity down. because I think one of the other components we haven't necessarily brought up is some people have a predisposition for just being typically Anxious and they might be more on the side of the spectrum just through how they designed that. They have more angst and they are a little bit more sensitive. That's okay that being aware that you have a certain predisposition for that.

Nick Vonpitt: It just gives you an opportunity to say this is what my normal feels like. I know I'm seeing this from a space. That isn't necessarily supporting my highest good supporting what I'm wanting to achieve in this moment or supporting household that I'm in. And that I know sounds all great but it really does start with curiosity. that's where am I setting viewing this from and then getting curious about what else is available? To me in this moment.

Joshua Hamilton: I've used two things to shake. The shape my clients in this situations. The first one is trying to find an example where Suddenly things weren't going Everything was piling turning s*** and they just that anxious. angry to then suddenly something just switched and you were*** all happy and Larry in life is great. Usually someone can find that scenario and I use that scenario to be So how true feelings and thoughts


00:25:00

Joshua Hamilton: because how can you be one thing in one moment and completely the opposite in the next? So how true are feelings and thoughts? There is zero truth to feelings and thoughts. We love to validate them. But at the end of the day. They're not real. And I'm like that gives them a bit of a shutter because I like that's a good point because one minute I was completely and utterly angry and the next minute. I'm joyful and happy. So what is it? Yes, they lead to things they give us clues that really really helpful things for awareness. But I use that rattle tool and then the other thing that I've found to be helpful is we get angry we f****** our relationships and this goes for parents and for couples because this is actually really helpful. You need to f******.

Joshua Hamilton: And the reason why is because if you're good at it when you f*** the Forgiveness has to go on self first okay, I f***** up. I'm not perfect and then you have one of the greatest opportunities and that is the repair because the relationship it's like the Japanese Bowl where they repair the bowl with gold and it's even more beautiful and more valuable now that it's been broken and repaired. Same goes for relationships you blow up your kid your wife. You take ownership. You like man, that was really poor behavior. I forgive myself and then you go to them. There's one really really important piece of the puzzle if I blow up at Harry and I call them a complete cock and I hate the guy and that was all me. I was angry and then I go to apologize The key point is Harry apologize for but behavior that just wasn't right. People run it with this word.

Harry Orr: but

Joshua Hamilton: But Harry if you just didn't do this. That wouldn't have happened.

Harry Orr: if you were in such a clock I wouldn't have to.

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah, exactly and that goes back to that cause and effect, but I'm like for those guys who aren't angry. I've had those situations you have a real great opportunity to repair and make a relationship more powerful. You just can't use that word, but you got to take full responsibility. And I've found that to be really helpful. Harry have what about you man?

Harry Orr: for those tours, but you really helped me with this when Jax was first born and I was really struggling with this anger and it's frustration and everything else that was coming with the Uncharted Territory of being a dad trying to juggle everything else and it was

Harry Orr: in that cell reflection first of all in self-reflection because in the moment, it's too hard to kind of use this tool but in that so reflection was that emotion the right tool for the job. Was that anger the right tool for that job to get jacks to stop crying to communicate effectively with my wife to achieve this thing and chances are probably not right so being able to then at least identify will what is the desired tool? What is the desired response or emotion that I would like to have in those situations? So at least I've got an ideal path moving forward not just I don't want to be angry.

Harry Orr: Cool, that's not helpful. how would I like to handle those conversations those situations? When I do feel that up tension that frustration when I feel boiling how would I like to control myself in that situation? And so one of the tools that I like to use also trying in your piece Nick about that perspective is something I call the Kaleidoscope frame, right? Everyone remember those collides.

Joshua Hamilton: Yeah.

Harry Orr: Hope you have as a kid. It's got this telescope looking thing with all the jewels in it. you just look at this light source and there's all the different color patterns you like that then you turn it again. There's more colors all that cool stuff. And so the way that I like use that frame is the light source the thing the event whatever it is that you're looking at is still the same. but it's the perspective the lens that you look at through the changes and so if you're looking at this thing through we'll looking at this event or this situation through this lens that

Harry Orr: Invokes that anger is not serving me how else could I look at this that helps me to feel calm. My son isn't doing it to piss me off. He's not crying because he wants to make me angry. He's probably crying because he doesn't know how to communicate and he can't talk yet. That's a fair reason to be upset or to try and communicate something right so keep going until you find that lens of seeing it from that perspective. Allows me to be calm allows me to have more compassion more patience more tolerance more whatever it is that I'd like to evoke. All right, cool. Let's try and see things from that perspective a little bit more so you keep playing with all those different views until you find the one that serves you best.


00:30:00

Joshua Hamilton: Right if that at the end of the day,…

Harry Orr: But partly delusion, but it's effective.

Joshua Hamilton: you may not really like your mind for the best result that you want. It's perfect. It's all it is. Yeah.

Harry Orr: Yeah. If it helps you get the outcome you want and take the action or not action that you were hoping to then. It's done its job.

Joshua Hamilton: That's great. I love that Nick if you got anything to add brother.

Nick Vonpitt: I think if you really wanting to fix it.

Nick Vonpitt: It's one of the things we've touched on before but it's essentially establishing. the identity of this person that yourself to be Getting killed on those values. And if you know that. Person or Persona and that's what you're striving for. One of the questions that you can ask and it's not just applicable to this. It would be applicable to other practices and just behavior in general does this action fit with this identity? this person that I'm choosing to be. Does this response fit with?

Joshua Hamilton: Yes a lot.

Nick Vonpitt: This person that I'm choosing to be his father that I'm choosing to be the husband that I'm choosing to be the business owner that I'm choosing to be.


Joshua Hamilton: cool And the last thing if you have ever wanted to be surrounded by an uncommon bunch of men, we have some incredible events coming up. We have one on the fifth and sixth of October will drop the link to that as well in the description and project Bali next year in May. If you want to be part of one of those events, you can join the waitlist with the link in the description. Look forward to seeing you there. See you later, brother.

Joshua Hamilton: awesome guys again. Thank you so much for your time today. If you guys listening would the unfair advantage that we use with our guys called the Pyramid of performance to help them regulate their nervous system, which is the foundational structure. We use for guys to achieve amazing things in their health and they're well in the relationships avoiding burnout or eliminating it in tightly. You can come over to our group and Facebook politely free all the resources We're in there all the time. We're helping out. Our guys there's questions. You can direct message us as well. We're in there. The link will be in the description. Hope you there Reach Out Tell us what you loved about the podcast and looked forward to connecting soon. Thank you very much for listening.